Another Wedding Dream.... At Least This Time It's Not My Wedding!

So I've graduated from having nightmares dreams about our wedding to having them about other people's weddings. Progress!....?

Had this dream the other night:

Sister-in-Law was in a wedding , and she HAY-AY-ATE-ED the dress the bride had chosen. This much is true. (I think Bride took the old [joke?!] idea of "making your bridesmaids look hideous only makes you look better" to heart....)

So, in my dream, a crowd of us (basically the whole family, which was funny because we would not all have been attending this particular wedding) were at said wedding, standing on the beach, not far from the water's edge, staring/shouting at Sister in Law.

Because she was In. the water.

IN. her bridesmaids' dress.

BEFORE the wedding....

She apparently thought that if she could somehow, "accidentally," oopsies, manage to get, you know, drenched by a wave -- accidentally, of course -- that she could get out of being in the wedding and wearing the gawd-awwwful dress.

She was just helping the process along by riding a few waves. :)

Great plan, yes?!

SPAM: "I shall feed you with full details for the tender"

This one's short but it's worth it. Just this one line -- "I shall feed you with full details for the tender" -- makes it worthwhile.

SPAM!

********************

Attn: Director,

We are Government accredited commission agents , introducing foreign contractors and companies to Ghana Government for contract supply

of the below listed items to ECOWAS community;

1. T-Shirts and blanket.

2. Fertilizers.

3. Condoms.

4. Office Equipments.

5. Construction and Agricultural Machinery.

6. Storage Tanks and JUTE SACKS.

7. Hospital Bed sheets and Pillowcases.

8. Embroidery Machines.

9. Baby products.

10. Biscuits.

11. Treated Mosquito Nets.

12. Agro chemicals Products.

13. Computers, Desk Tops and Laptops.

14. Medical and Surgical Instruments.

15. Fire Fighting Equipments.

16. Fishing Boats.

17. Canned Food products.

Upon your interest/reply I shall feed you with full details for the tender.You are advice to send you reply on this email address below: mat23302@gmail.com

Best Regards.

Mr. Ernest Opoku.

Agent

mat23302@gmail.com

Thank You For ...Letting Me Rub You?!

So I got a massage recently, and I just got a thank-you note from a masseuse.

Now let's just pause for a moment -- the masseuse sent me a thank-you note.

Is that funny to anyone else??

Here's what the note said:

Dear Mrs. Sitcom,

I hope your evening went better than you expected (I hadn't told her anything either way, so I wonder what she thought was going on??? :) )

You were great to work with and I hope you would come back again.

Enjoy life and ALL that will come to you for who you TRULY are. (Caps hers.)

Sincerely,
Masseuse (her real name was COMPLETELY CRAZY. You wouldn't believe it. Like, so one of those names that makes you do a double-take and try not to laugh and gawk, all at the same time. Awesome.)

The massage was one of the best I've ever had (which could be related to the two glasses of champagne I consumed directly beforehand, buuuuuut...let's not get caught up in the details, k?!), but now I'm having a weird neurosis about going back to her because of the note, because, like, do I mention the note? Pretend I never got it? Something about getting naked and having a complete stranger rub me...I guess I just prefer my massages with at least the illusion of anonymity.

Weird?

Perhaps.

Just a *Smidge* Out of Touch....

I was in line at the airport recently, waiting to have the agent check my boarding pass and photo ID so I could proceed with the usual screening activities, placing all of my liquids and my laptop into a bin and so on, before proceeding to my flight.

As I stood in line looking into the screening area, the woman two people behind me said "You have to take your SHOES off?!!"

She was completely serious, and completely incredulous at the required shoe removal.

No one in line reacted at first, but she kept marveling and finally the guy in between us said, "So, you, ah, haven't flown in a while, huh?!"

"Ten years!" she said.

Wow. Flying has totally changed, but with all the news coverage of the changes and restrictions and requirements implemented after 9-11, I thought everyone would have heard about it -- regardless of how much or little they travel.

It got better though. She continued with "Yesterday, I was at the store, and someone told me you have to put all your stuff into LITTLE PLASTIC BOTTLES!"

...and then it was my turn and I was on my way. Whew!

I happened to run into her again in the restroom...where she positively marveled at the automatic soap and water dispensers.

So perhaps when she said "I haven't flown in 10 years," what she actually meant was "I've been living in a cave for the last decade." ...?!

SPAM: MY! Home Town.

Your Friday serving of SPAM!:

My Name is Mr.Alain Cook,

I have the intention to invest in your home town but I don't know anybody that can help me to execute this plan when I come over to your country ,This is the simple reason I am contacting you to know if you can be able to assist me in championing this venture to the best of our benefit.

If your are interested,I have the sum of $25M dollars created aside that I intended to invest in your country profitable.

So if you are capable to handle this transaction kindly get back to me to enable us discuss and workout the modalities.

Waiting to hear from you, for further informations and confidentiality please contact me on my personal email

address: alaincookcook@aim.com .

Regards,

Mr.Alain Cook

*******

That's good stuff right there.

Here's Hoping She Was Color-Blind

So we were walking Dog I and Dog II over the weekend, and I had the most bizarre conversation-while-walking-the-dogs YET.

A woman walked by us, sort of made eye-contact/smiled but kept going, as you do when you're walking. Pretty standard stuff.

Except that a couple steps after that the dogs stopped to sniff something, and then she was right up next to me (she had turned around and come back.)

"Are those both [TYPE OF DOG]???" she asked.

Now, she was asking if they were both a certain color of type of dog. And they are clearly, in no way, the same color. So.

So I said "Well, this one is [TYPE OF DOG SHE THOUGHT], and this one is [SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT TYPE OF DOG...which is obvious from their coloring...but I was nice about it.]"

She continued her madness: "Oh, but aren't [DOG WHOSE TYPE SHE GOT WRONG] usually [COLOR THAT THE DOG ACTUALLY IS, BUT SHE APPARENTLY THOUGHT IT WAS NOT. Hence my hoping she was color-blind.]?!"

Me, having no idea what to say, because we were both looking at the dog, who is the color she had just said she "thought" it "should" be but she seemed to think it was not....?

"Well, yes, this one is a [REPEAT TYPE OF DOG and hope she leaves it at that]...?"

Her: "Oh. I had two [TYPE OF DOG SHE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT] before."

Me: "How fun. Well, they're great dogs...."

And then she just walked away.

I looked at Mr. Perfect, who had been a few steps away -- maybe I had mis-heard her?

He was shaking his head and shrugged -- "I don't know...not sure what to say about that one."

All in a day's "walk," I suppose!

Yep -- And In [STATE], [FILL IN SLUR HERE.]

Mr. Perfect was talking to Sugar Lips (the brother-in-law) on our last visit home.

Mister was making idle chit-chat/trying to fill space with Sugar Lips, mentioned an activity that we partake in, and threw out the non-committal "...if you guys come visit, you're welcome to do [ACTIVITY] with us."

Sugar Lips' response?

"Well, I guess when you're in NEW STATE you [ACTIVITY,] and when you're in Arizona you shoot illegals."

Huh?!

Whiskey.

Tango.

Foxtrot.

Who. Is. This. Guy?!

Grrrr....